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The Times They are A-Changin'



I'm a few days into this whole 50 situation and, unsurprisingly, I don't feel any different.  Obviously, nothing changes the day you hit the half-century mark. And yet... And yet, changes have been happening.  Probably for some time now.  Birthdays are milestones.  They are a good time, like New Year, to take stock of where you are and where you want to go.  50 seems like an especially auspicious time.

First of all, CHANGE IS SCARY!  At least, for me is it.  I like routine.  Predictability.  I don't like surprises, even on my birthday.  The past several months and years have brought undeniable changes to me and my life.  Physical changes, certainly.  Besides the silver hair, I have this troubling soft thing going on under my chin.  Is it the beginning of jowls?  That would be a scary change.  My eyes crinkle more when I smile, but I don't see that as a problem as long as I have plenty of things and people to make me smile.

But there are changes besides physical ones.  Things have been shifting in my life and in my mind for some time now.  The most obvious change is that I am somehow no longer the parent of small children.  This has happened gradually and I have tried to be cognizant of letting go of my old role as a mother and being open to what my new role will be in my grown children's lives.  I am not always successful.  (Confession: a few months ago at the dinner table, I told my 17-year old son, "You can get down as soon as you finish your broccoli."  In the silence that followed, he and my husband looked at me like I had two heads.  YOU CAN GET DOWN??  FINISH YOUR BROCCOLI??  HE'S 17!!  I mumbled an abashed apology.)  I need to trust them and their decisions and vision for their own lives, and encourage them to trust themselves, to believe in their own competence. I had fully
expected to be stricken by grief at this transition. I have relished parenthood and felt my skills were well-used.  But surprisingly, I haven't felt much in the way of grief.  I have felt a sense of freedom.  A sense of new opportunities opening up.  My life can one day be again about me and that prospect
makes me curious and a bit intrigued.  Is that selfish?  Probably, but I'm kind of excited to be a little selfish after all these years of momming.

What does all this change mean for me?  I guess it means I can be intentional about what I want the
rest of my life to look like.  I am looking forward to more time alone.  Time to knit, to think, to read.  I can look at my relationship with my husband with new eyes.  I want to maintain my health and fitness so I can hike more and travel more.  I want to grow spiritually and get rid of old ideas that no longer serve me.  I'm not naturally comfortable with change, but I am trying to be open to what comes next.

I sense plenty of people around me taking stock of their own lives. In the extreme, it can be a full-blown midlife crisis.  But for most people, it seems to be a quieter evaluation.  For some,
it means taking responsibility for their health by losing weight or renewing a commitment to exercise.  For others, it is now-or-never changes like leaving behind a career or marriage that has not been life-giving for some time.  There is a sense of urgency that wasn't there five or ten years ago.  Some friends and loved ones have had to deal with serious, life-altering change, not of their own choosing.  Catastrophic illness.  The death of a spouse.  I learn from grieving with them and seeing how they handle their life changes.  Sometimes with grace and humor.  Sometimes with understandable anger and fear.

I guess the big question is What Do I Want?  From that, other questions follow.  What do I want to do with the time I have left?  What do I want my life to be about?  What mid-course corrections do I need to make?  Am I living the life I want?  Are you?  If not, what is keeping you from it?





            

Comments

  1. UnknownMarch 14, 2018 at 3:17 PM

    Big, necessary questions. Enjoy this cocoon time as you look forward.

    ReplyDelete

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